New Jungle Telegraph Issue No 14

Yes its finally here only the front cover I wanted to put on Dolph the Emporer would not allow it because he said he wanted it to be a "sensible" issue for once and didnt feel he could get a serious point accross with that on there.

I spent all last night trying to finish it off ready for this morning because I knew I was going stock taking today and wouldnt have much time. As a result I still not have finished "Lukes Parents Evening", I will add the Jungle Telegraph to the rest of them at http://www.madmickstories.com/NewJungleTel.html.

Apparently yesterday Mr Nebosh was on a drip in hospital (or so he says) after eating cashew nuts at a chinese on Wednesday Night but he has returned today much to the relief of the Honeymonster.

Red Riding Hood his bringing her friend to stay tonight which my dad kindly agreed was okay even though they will be both kipping in my bedroom and Luke is going on a school trip so I wont be picking him up till about 8pm.

Anyway it looks like we are in for another weekend of non-stop rain and this is after most of the Sheffield area is still under water, after the last lot of rain I walked down to the Calder monday night but it wasnt at its record height, I have seen it higher.

So well its weekend again and when I come back on Monday it will be July

Lukes Parents Evening Out Soon

It should be out soon, should my new story called "Lukes Parents Evening" based loosely on my experiences going to my first parents evening for Luke, apparently I could not be trusted according to The Ice Queen to go before now due to my less than sensible drunken antics in the past.

Also this month my boss Dolph, The Emporer has insisted on a return of The Jungle Telegraph after missing the month of May with an Issue 13 which I shall be starting shortly.

Mr Nebosh is off poorly today, he says he has been throwing up all night and has got the runs, The Honeymonster says its probably all the crap he eats.

I have got the monthly stock take to do tommorow and well this aint been my best of weeks, I have just had one of those awkward Scotland wagons in despatch, which no one sets up on the system because its not there job so it means you spend most of your dinnerhour getting it released with the driver scowling at you like its your fault.

The Honeymonster is always wobbling about moarning about how hard his job is but everytime I have ever seen him on the plant he is usually lent against some sturdy structure chatting.

So well its another rest night tonight, I have been fixing Miss Jiggys computer which used to be Red Riding Hoods, I never charge anything for doing them, I just give with no expectation of anything in return and therefore never am dissapointed.

Flooded

I dont know, I didnt feel well at all on Monday, I felt just like I had overdosed on drink over the weekend, headache and stomach upset and to make matters worse it was absolutely pouring down.

In fact it was so bad that I nearly got trapped here at the Lost World due to both sides of our road been blocked and it took me 2 hours to get home Monday Night. After a trip to AA which I certainly needed and a fantastic share by our Doctor I felt unbelievably better.

Luckily I had booked Tuesday off to take my dad, Wonderwood up town so he could sort out the rental of my brother The Ticking Bombs house out to Diesel who had been up till now keeping the rent money for himself instead of passing it on , but I had written a letter to kirklees council stipulating the 8 week deadline had been passed without any payment being received by my dad and they had said we needed to go see them.

Anyway to cut a long story short they had decided to start paying the rent direct to my dad which is surely what they should of done in the first place, anyway I still took my dad up town and my mum, Battyeford Lill shopping at ASDA. I also paid a visit to Diesels brother JM Damian to drop a laptop of his off which he had given to me some time ago for repair.

Just lately Miss Jiggy and Master Shrek have split up and I have spent quite a bit of time on MSN talking to them both which means that I aint got on with my next story as much as I would of liked.

Anyway today I am back at The Lost World catching up with everything, I feel great today and cant understand why I felt so bad Monday, I did go to a bowling tournament Sunday in memory of the late Nesbit, Knight Riders brother who was murdered some time ago in Hornsea, could it be the atmosphere there was making my brain feel like the days when beer ruled?

Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus's 40th Birthday

Just been finishing off printing out invitations for Marcus Deponicus Popeyeus's 40th Birthday Party which will be held at The Pavillion old Rugby Ground in Fartown, Huddersfield on Saturday 11th August 2007.

Marcus is The Gangsters older brother and had a severe motorcycle accident in Summer 1987 which left him brain damaged but over the last 20 years he has made an amazing recovery.

We were all young crazy youths on Motorbikes back then with Meatloaf playing on our sterios and I had an RD125LC, the learners dream bike while Marcus had just traded his RD400 for a race tuned RD250LC which developed a mechanical fault going round a bend at Buckstones and went straight through a wall.

Marcus was only 20 at the time and it was touch and go if he would live through the ordeal, he had a number of years in hospital but with a great deal of care by his mum The Bradley Megaphone he has pulled through.

***

I went to Lukes Parents evening last night with Luke and his mum the Ice Queen where we met all his teachers, his RE teacher is a muslim and I told him that my religeon is Jediism which he said was now actually recognised as a religeon. His English teacher is a West Indian and was complaining about Lukes inability to stop talking, he also is learning German and plays the drums which I didnt know anything about.

His English teacher says he needs to read more, so I said I will give him loads of "stories" to read, I confused his Maths teacher by asking luke a few weeks back to ask his teacher what the square root of minus one was.

I told luke that the answer was one unit in the imaginary number plane that is perpendicular to the real number line and commonly represented by the number i and there is also another root at -i which he had repeated to his teacher.

His teacher had decided that Lukes answer must be mistaken because he couldnt believe such a thing could come from a 12 year old deighton kid.

Anyway I enjoyed the night and will write a full report about it very soon called "Luke's Parents Evening"

***

Rastrick Potter came in yesterday and said that he was glad that the Jungle Telegraph had been disbanded since it really was just a aimless load of twaddle that could of been put together by someone with the attention span of a chimpanzee, but he did miss the league table of drivers and could I reproduce one for june in my blog, so well here it is;

Posn Total Haulier
1 53,613 Keith Chicken
2 47,940 Buddy Holly
3 47,652 Stumpy
4 41,584 V73ENN / Cullen
5 41,484 Caveman
6 39,676 Rastrick Potter
7 36,096 Tim
8 30,632 T976DUB / Carl
9 29,019 Bruce Forcyth
10 24,220 Archers
11 20,292 Dicky
12 19,228 V2RBC / Rudge
13 18,344 Jackie Khan
14 16,725 Piggys Friend
15= 10,848 W576HVJ / Trev
15= 10,848 AN03AOS / Richard
17= 10,396 X72NSO
17= 10,396 Van Damn
17= 10,396 DK04AUU / Corvet
17= 10,396 PJ03MUU / Maxwell
17= 10,396 CX55AUU / Bob
17= 10,396 MX04DWD / Williams
17= 10,396 CX55AEA / Rov

***

Finally, I got a brilliant email from Doctor Paul at my AA meeting last night and it just about sums up life in general from Jediism or with the AA perspective...

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW ............Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

See You On Monday

Luke, I wont Go To The Parents Evening Dressed As Darth Vador Really

The Ice Queen has just been on the phone, that is my son Lukes mum and she says the reason we havent got a time for Lukes parents evening is because Luke cancelled it and said we wasnt coming.

She added that he was "A little shit" but it was probably my fault really saying I was going to go dressed as Darth Vader and take with me his mate Flids toy light sabre and discuss his knowledge of the force with his teachers.

Well I gotta go now, and so the Ice Queen has rearraged it for 6:30 and it could just be the subject of my next story following "Sleeping With Rats - Featuring Picker Packer Brundle", it depends on how well it goes.

So its Thursday here at The Lost World, I cannot believe the days have passed by so quick, already its halfway through 2007 and after today the nights will be slowly drawing in then it will be Christmas again.

Our manager Dolph-The Emporer has been in for a couple of hours today and yesterday he popped his head round the door for a bit, while Monday and Tuesday he was here nearly all day, The Honeymonster says it must be some sort of record and when Dolph was taking a visitor for a tour of the plant Alf shouted "does he want a map?"

Mr Nebosh says I definately aint quite right upstairs telling poor Luke I was going to go to his parents evening dressed as Darth Vador, he said that Luke must be thinking his school cred is what he has worked so hard to build up will be utterly destroyed.

Some of the teachers that are there at Fartown High School were there at Deighton High School when I was there nearly 25 years ago, so it will be really strange to go, I gotta admit I never been to a parents evening before.

We got a mention in Official Hansons Mag

Its Wednesday here at the lost world and we finally got a mention in despatches for our 3 peak sponsored walk which we donated £1900 to McMillan nurses.

Alf seems a lot better today as well, almost back to his normal self but The Honeymonster is now a bit upset since Dolph (The Emporer) has given me total control over the Health and Safety items which the Honeymonster has a treasure trove of under his desk.

Dolph (The Emporer) has said that Flintstones Park manager, Magnum should have a new name and he has suggested Bob Carolgees, he added "If we all have shitty names I dont see why he shouldnt have one", but I didnt think "Dolph - The Emporer" was a rubbish name.

N-man is here today, he has come for a talk with Dolph -The Emporer and he seems in a really good mood, as soon as he came in I rushed and made him a cup of tea and asked him if he wanted to share my Chicken Tikka Pasty which he said it was quite okay.

Alf has fallen out with me

I honestly dont think that Bush rigged the elections do you?

Well its Tuesday here at the Lost World and Alf has fallen out with me. I think its a case of the final straw that broke the camels back but I asked him to send a requisition for a invoice I had outstanding and he errupted, this was yesterday.

Unable to pay the invoice unless it had been authorised I was forced to send an email to accounts explaining the situation and of course I copied Alf in which seemed to annoy him even more since after that he simply went home. Today he isnt the loving daddy figure he normally is and seems a bit off-hand with me despite me texting him over night explaining I was sorry ans apologising today. All he has said is "Michael... If I had monk on with you, you would know about it ... okay".

Also I have agreed to be a Guarantau for the Ice Queens new house, Whitegates just phoned me today asking if the decimal point was in the wrong place and asking me to confirm my salary. I suppose I am doing something here that has absolutely no benefit to me what-so-ever and I guess that is about as altruistic as you can get. I suppose AA has taught me that maybe doing things for others is seen in the Higher Powers realm as something that earns the greatest brownee points, but thats not to say I am doing this for that reason.

I suppose I dont want to see Luke, Stig, Bobble and Hans, The Ice Queens children grow up on an estate where the criminals rule!

Anyway I will leave you all with this joke I have found which I think is funny;

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

Manic Monday

Just needed something to make me laugh this morning, sometimes I feel that life is just passing me by and these Monday Mornings seem to come round with renewed frequency.

So its another week sat here at my despatch post after another weekend with Luke, Stig and Red Riding Hood with our usual excursion up town to look at the same shops and market stalls.

At least Luke cheered me up a bit getting me a Fathers Day card which said something about getting a good daddy is like winning the lottery only he got the wrong number.

On Sunday we took Red Riding Hood to "Heaton Park" near Manchester to meet her new boyfriends Tom & Jerry and Jerry ended up being threatened by a group of Asians and having his £200 phone taken off him.

We took along Master Shrek who was getting a bit fed up of being stuck in the Salt Pot Mansion with Picker Packer, and unluckily for Jerry we were round the corner when he was challenged but never-the-less we were surprised he gave it them with so little resistance.

I have since learnt that Heaton Park Manchester is renowned for its high incidences of crime.

Picker Packer is also becoming increasingly unpopular with his fellow lodgers Master Shrek and Knight Rider, since when he gets paid he immidiately spends all his money on getting pissed and is contributing nothing to food and trying to eat theres.

He also had a poo round the back of the Gangsters house last weekend and woke up all The Gangsters neighbours when he came back from nightclub early Sunday Morning, see its drink again only Picker Packer can go weeks without but then goes on a bender when he gets paid.

The trouble his he thinks that everyone is exactly same as when he came to Yorkshire the first time in 1994/95 but we have all grown up (some of us admittedly not much) and dont want to put up with his juvenile activities.

Anyway this week on Thursday, The Ice Queen wants me to attend Lukes Parents Evening, I told her I would go dressed has Darth Vador, but I feel quite er inhibited about it all and dont know if I dare go, if I do I know I will do something silly even if I dont try to, and Luke reckons his "Street Cred" what he has spent so long to build could be in tatters.

So well I am back at the lost world with a mountain of Invoice Queries and just feeling like well a bit robotic, that song er Manic Monday by the Bangles being particularily apt today. Oh yes and Dimli came on Saturday to my house and collected the £391.50 sponsor money we earned for McMillan Nurses by doing the 3 peaks.

Madonna News

Madonna has decided to release a video for her latest single "Hey You", the single has not been commercially released in the UK but will be sung on the Live Earth concert in July.

Her new Album has been put back to early 2008 and is described to be "Hip Hop" whatever that mans and she has been collaborating with Justin Timberlake so it will probably be rubbish since I think all his songs are rubbish. By way of a stop gap Warner (madonnas record label) are putting together a "Best of Remix" album due later this year and a box set to celebrate 25 years since Madonnas fist single "Everybody" was released back in December 1982.

Madonnas fist single did not get anywhere in the UK charts and she had to wait till January 1984 before getting a No6 hit with "Holiday" and this was subsequently re-released on a further 2 occasions. In July 1985 when it was stopped from reaching No1 by Madonnas own first UK No1 "Into The Groove" and again in June 1991 as part of an EP entitled "The Holiday Collection" and on this occasion peaked at No5.

Her best selling song in the UK was also released on 2 occasions, "Crazy For You" peaked at No2 in June 1985 and later in February 1991 it reached No2 again selling over 800,000 copies, her biggest selling Uk singles Top 20 goes something like this

1 Crazy For You 800,000 (Over 2 Releases Feb 91 & Jun 85 from Film "Vision Quest" later included on Madonnas first Greatest Hits package The Immaculate Collection, Reached No2 on both occasions
2 Into The Groove 770,000 Released Jul 85 from Film "Desperately Seeking Susan" later included on UK version of "Like A Virgin"
3 Like A Virgin 720,000 Released Nov 84 Reached No3 over Christmas, kept from top spot by Band Aid but really the song which started off Madonnas most prolific year of 1985
4 Holiday 610,000 Released Jan 84, No6; Jul 85 No2 & Jun91 No5 From her first album "Madonna" released in 1983, later repackaged in UK as "The First Album"
5 Papa Don't Preach 590,000 Madonnas big single of 1986 and second single from the hugely succesful "True Blue" LP, reached No1, her second in the UK
6 Vogue 520,000 Massive 1990 hit, Madonnas 7th No1 from the Weird LP "I'm Breatless" which was a kind of soundtrack LP for her Dick Tracy movie which was of course a flop
7 True Blue 510,000 Her 3rd UK No1 and Title Track of her 1986 True Blue LP released in September of that year and quickly forgotten
8 Frozen 510,000 Lead off single from her 1998 "Come back" LP Ray Of Light and one of my personal favourites, a haunting chilling ballad that followed "Vogue" has her 8th No 1 but there was eight years between them and 23 single attempts
9 Beautiful Stranger 490,000 From the Film The Spy Who Shagged Me in 1999 and released after that last single from the Ray Of Light LP, it was later included on Madonnas 2nd Greatest Hits package called "GHV2"
10 Like A Prayer 475,000 The mighty come back single of 1989 from her 4th full studio LP of the same name and two years absence from the charts, became her 6th No1
11 Hung Up 425,000 The lead off single from Madonnas 11th Studio LP and her 11th No 1 which contained an ABBA melody, just when everyone was giving up hope on her in 2006 she came out with this and a lovely natural vid to accompany it
12 La Isla Bonita 400,000 The final single from the 1986 True Blue LP, released in Mar 1987 and becoming her 4th UK No1
13 Who's That Girl 380,000 The first single from her new 1987 Soundtrack LP which dissapointed all us fans by containing just four new songs but the songs were in my opinion top quality, this one gave Madonna her 5th No1 in July 1987
14 American Pie 375,000 Madonnas 9th UK No 1 from the soundtrack LP to another of Madonnas ill fated movies called "Next Best Thing" which also contained my favourite Madonna track "Time Stood Still" that was never released, the song was later tacked on to the 2000 Music LP which contained
15 Music 360,000 Her 10th UK No1 and the first song from her 2000 Music LP, I hated this one at first but after a few months I did start to like it
16 Justify My Love 350,000 Madonnas 1990 No2 single and one of two new tracks that were put on the Immaculate Collection Greatest Hits LP, it also marked the slide of Madonna into the Erotica and sex era of 1990-94. The vid for this was banned by MTV which Madonna used the promotion to release the first "video single"
17 Don't Cry For Me Argentina 345,000 The highlight of Madonnas "Evita" period from the soundtrack from the film, which I have never bothered seeing, it was a great Christmas No3 single in Dec 96
18 You'll See 340,000 The lead off single from the 1995 "Greatest Ballad Hits" - Something To Remember LP, this song hit only No4 but followed her Erotica and Bedtime Story eras of 92 and 94 which didnt spawn any singles in her Top 20, this song is also one of my favourites
19 Dear Jessie 320,000 The final release from Madonnas "Like A Prayer" LP and it peaked at No5 in Christmas 1989, I love this song as well, it always reminds of being a young kid where everything is like a fairytale
20 Open Your Heart 310,000 The fourth single from Madonnas 1986 True Blue LP, reaching No4 at Christmas 1986, Another of my personal favourites and easily the best song off the True Blue LP

Just Couldnt Resist Posting These Pictures!

Another great day at the lost world, its rained all day so I am glad I am not camping.

With Alf and Dolph at their meeting all day well you gotta make the most of it havent you!

Anyway here is a single bloke and no the first piccy wasnt rude!

Well They got dummies guides for everything

take a bit of explaining wont it

A Classic!

New "Pop Up" Toilets At Lost World

Alf Garnet and Dolph Lungren have been given new management advice today on how they can tackle the growing problem of employees weeing and pooing on the plant.
The new guidance said that fouling is "highly unpleasant and a common side effect of the working economy".
Spelling out one of the problems, it said: "Rather than using a toilet before they leave the canteen or play area, or waiting until they get home, many offenders, mostly male, wee in on the plant or near there respective machines."
It said that this kind of antisocial behaviour has been made worse by the distance to walk to the toilets.
Published as part of the management's drive for cleaner, safer, greener environments the document admitted that there is no specific law against weeing and pooing on the plant.
But it said that offenders can be prosecuted under employee order rules, and that on-the-spot fines of £80 can be served under the New rules and docked directly from wages. Police could even be called and use an 1847 law against indecent exposure, it said.
The report recommended that The Lost World install more hi-tech urinals of the kind pioneered at Flintstones Park, Morley. In popular working areas, the managers have installed remote controlled telescopic toilets that rise from the floor when required but these are no good for drinkers who wish to have a poo and care must be taken that employees are not stood in the vicinity when they pop up.
The report also gives advice on a number of others problems including reducing singing, litter, fly-posting and stupid newsletters.
The initiative is part of a new, “How To”, programme to support the cleaner, safer, greener work area.
Launching the document, area manager N-man said: "Everyone should be able to enjoy themselves near their machines or work areas but the management will not allow smell of wee and poo of a minority to ruin the majority’s enjoyment, or damage our working practices."
MR NEBOSH...
Mr Nebosh told me about something he believed when he was little. He went with his parents to a Medical Museum in Leeds. There were a lot of body parts in jars.He knew most of the parts, like the lung or the leg. He asked his mother about the contents of a particular jar. "That's what makes you pee."So for years he thought that a bladder in a jar in Leeds was a kind of central controller that determined when everyone in the UK had to urinate. I guess it would make sense, so not everyone would rush to the toilet at the same time.

Also today at the Lost World there has been a bit of a compressor problem when both our compressors blew up leaking oil everywhere. Mr Nebosh said "The first I knew of it was when I was stood in the yard near the Red Riding Rustics and The Honeymonster came squealing round the corner making siren noises, he also had a blue flashing light simular to one on an ambulance strapped to his head". The problem was eventually solved but both Mr Nebosh and The Honeymonster were both annoyed that neither of them were phoned up by the Managers, Dolph and Alf who were both away at an accounts meeting in Teletubbieland. It was later found that Alf phoned up China after Jedi Master Mad Mick had told Dolph that Nebosh and The Honeymonster had gone home.

Also Mr Nebosh says Barbie Feet (new name Master Nebosh) played rubbish at golf the other day and spent the whole journey back wittering on about a whole variety of excuses. Finally Baby Hyacinth has come back from America to live with her dad Alf and her mum Hyacinth because she was lonely.

Life Giving

Er hello, this is my new friend from Sales one of the members of the team who organise all the wagons to come into the lost world and her name is Greek and means "Life Giving", but I am going to call her Sessame from now on which is where the puppet comes from which incidentally has the same name as hers...

Blimey thats complicated in it!

She sends me emails for samples and refers to me as "Sexy Bomb" and "Chuckie" which makes me feel well kind of appreciated, anyway I have sent her my MSN hotmail address of mpschofield@hotmail.co.uk

Anyway topically I got this joke about a blind date sent to me...

Banta sets up Santa to go on a blind date with a friend of his.

But Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before."What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.

If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.

If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack.

"So that night, Santa knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaaaaaaauuugguuughhh!"

Talking about Dates, my old friend The Stone Princess has just texted me saying

"Hey how u doin not heard from u my internet should be on by the weekend"

I have replied

"Hi [Stone Princess] good to hear from you i am doing ok we all completed 3 peaks walk raising nearly 400 pounds n just come back from camping in Wales ill tell u when u finally pay ur phone bill an get back on net"

See what she says to that, but it would be nice to talk to her again, even though it seems as if she is talking to about a dozen others.

On yes and I have now collected all my lottery money from everyone and here are the list of people who contributed to my personal total of £164

£5.00 Greyhound (Driver)
£5.00 Caveman (Driver)
£5.00 Ken & Barbie (Driver)
£5.00 Stumpy (Driver)
£5.00 Bruce Forcythe (Driver)
£5.00 Two Dears (AA)
£5.00 Trevor (Archers Driver)
£5.00 Diet Coke Break
£2.00 June Akland (Flintstones Park)
£10.00 Piggys Friend (Driver)
£3.00 Rudge (Driver)
£2.00 Mini Rhino (Canteen at Lost World)
£5.00 Buddy Holly (Driver)
£5.00 Tommy Cooper (Driver)
£5.00 N-Man (Area Manager)
£5.00 Dawn Raider (Flintstones Park & Area Managers Misses)
£5.00 Kevin Parcelline
£5.00 Jackie Khan (Driver)
£10.00 Messiah (AA)
£5.00 Feargul Sharkey (AA)
£5.00 Tony Blair (AA)
£5.00 The Doctor (AA)
£10.00 Yoda (AA)
£5.00 Scottish Widow (AA)
£5.00 David Bellamy (AA)
£5.00 Computer Cowboy (AA)
£5.00 Spanish (AA)
£10.00 Italian Stallian (Tellytubbieland)
£10.00 Magnum (Flintstones Park)
£2.00 The Author Pete AA

While I was compiling this table The Stone Princess has just replied with,

"Paid it hun just waiting for it to come back"

The Hangover

Tuesday Morning here at The lost world and I feel quite good today, Diet Coke Break has just been in to collect some bricks and she looked lovely as usual and she always looks happy. Now theres my ideal companion someone like her.

Went to AA last night, I have the key at the moment so was opening up, I also paid the rent for the church, The Author, one of the members gave me a book to read he had published back in 2001 about flying through a hurricane. I love AA it always makes me feel peaceful in my heart and mind. I know I should go to more than one meeting per week but well I have loads of other things to do.

I have finally finished my 16 page story about my last holiday its called "Sleeping With Rats featuring Picker Packer Brundle" and it can be viewed by clicking here you can also post a comment about it at the bottom of the entry as well as dowload a word file of it to your computer, I do hope you will have a read of it and tell me what you think.

So what was I going to write about today, oh yes judging by the picture you might summise it is hangovers...

*1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
** 2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
*** 3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked
you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke
watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
****** 6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15- minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!! Thought so!!
So thats what I am missing, I gotta admit my cure for those hangovers was more drink which usually would delay the symptoms but eventually it all caught up with me and I would have to take the pain. After a couple of days dry I would feel well enough to start all over again.

Thank GOD for AA

New Caernarfon Story Is OUT!!!

The new 16 page story of our recent Holiday at Caernarfon starring Picker Packer Brundle and of course me, Luke Baggins, Miss Boley and Red Riding Hood is now on the net and can be viewed at
http://www.madmickstories.com/Caernarfon.html dont forget to leave a comment at the bottom when you have read it in the special box provided, I think it is my personal best yet of course all the full list of stories going back to 1996 can be viewed at http://www.madmickstories.com/OldIndex.html and at the bottom of this one you can download it has a word document which can be easily printed.
Anyway thats that done with, I can now draw a line under that holiday content that I will never need to forget it which I guess is the main advantage of blogging, you have a record of everything you have ever done.
So its Monday here at the lost world after quite a good weekend which me, Luke and Stig spent quite some time down at the River Calder swimming, Red Riding Hood was staying at her friends all weekend so we didnt see her.
Anyway Sunday we were found by Picker Packer who had been out clubbing Sunday night and found himself in Bradley looking for somewhere to sleep, he fell asleep at the side of the road near the Gangsters house and was then moved on by the Police and spent a few hours in our back garden before eventually getting a few hours sleep at the Gangsters.
Anyway he caught up with us near the canal on a lovely summers sunday where Stig was practising his swimming between the barges we then walked on to Echo Beach before going to the field and finishing the day off on the Motorcycles with Werewolf on his.
After having tea and cutting the Grass at my house I delivered Picker Packer and of course Luke and Stig back to the Ice Queens where Jiggy, Shrek and Knight Rider were having tea, the Ice Queens speciality Shepherds Pie made with Pedigree Chum.
Cindy was also at the Ice Queens and we have been told she is a lesbian, she looks quite ok as well, a bit overweight but she has a nice face.
I had a powerful drinking dream last night when I had started drinking again and was explaining to the off-license man, Mr Sharma that I was ok, I had my own yard and JM Damian was there, it was all really confusing but the compulsion was back. It was a great relief to wake up afterwards, some say drinking dreams are warnings from our Higher Power.
My Brother Ticking Bomb seems to be getting steadily worse, he walks round like a total zombie now and blocks out everyone, no one can reach him, I noticed this morning he was sick out of his bedroom window again, Its like a permanent reminder where drink can take you but he is schitzophrenic as well.
So anyway here safely at The Lost World and Dolph is back but Alf has gone to have half a day, The Honeymonster has only beat me up once this morning.

So whats the Police car about well,
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house Just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr Smith is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.
She opens the door.
There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Which is where I am going tonight, to thank my HP that I dont end up in black out ever again!

Sleeping With Rats out Monday

Another photo taken from "Sleeping With Rats - featuring Picker Packer Brundle", here you can see our camp with the rats crawling about and Picker Packer enjoying a cup of tea.

The story will be posted in http://www.madmickstories.com/OldIndex.html on Monday and I have Printed the sixteen page story out in hard copy today.

We had our one millionth customer at the lost world yesterday when Rudge came and was awarded a dodgy £20 with Miss Boleys head on it, in fact these counterfeits have been found all over the Lost World just lately. They are quite clearly a joke since instead of the Queens head they have a dogs head so I dont think they are illegal but from a distance looking at the other side they look good.

I also finally got Magnums £10 sponsor money which brings our grand total to £352.50, I am still owed £5 from Jackie Khan but he seems to have left the country, while Red Riding Hood still has £19.50 outstanding but she claims she cant get anymore. Only Luke is left to get maybe another £20 out of some £59 or so to add to the total then we are drawing a line under it and handing the balance to Gimli who reckons between us all it should be about £1800 raised for McMillan nurses. Will someone please remind me though never to bother getting sponsors again.

Anyway today in the lost world office, me and Alf have been tidying up, and have cleared all Georges old desk of all the rubbish, only the Honeymonster is left as a big untidy looking lump in the corner, I actually said that to him and winded up being chased outside.

The Future?

The picture here shows left to right; me, Miss Boley, Red Roding Hood, Luke Baggins and Picker Packer Brundle at the start of our 7 hour expidition up Mount Snowdon on our recent Holiday at Wales.

I have posted it in anticipation of me finishing writing my story "Sleeping With Rats - featuring Picker Packer Brindle", my latest Master piece which so far strtches to some 10 pages and I still have to write about our last day but I promise to post links to it on Monday. I also have a DVD of it which I finished on Sunday 3rd June which I think is really funny.

So well whats happening at the moment, well nothing, I have just pencilled in the Airshow with Picker Packer and Master Shrek for the end of June and we will definately have another camp down at Dears Foot again during the kids summer holidays and possibly another trip to the East Coast around August maybe. But at the moment nothing definate.

With the Stone Princess fiasco this year I think I will start looking again on a new dating site by September for someone more local and exciting. So thats my plans for the year with of course the blessing of my Higher Power because has you know us recovering alkies never really plan more than one day ahead and just live in the "now".

Sometimes sat here at this Despatch desk though I get bored and fed up, I mean is this all I am going to be doing for the rest of my working life, dont get me wrong I love working with Dolph, Nebosh, Alf and The Honeymonster but sometimes I could do with more challanges but with me I need to be kicked up the arse to move on. I keep dreaming that The Lost World is going to be closed and maybe that could come true with Hermut our new God. Whatever happens I know it will be an adventure...

Is Magnum Our New Manager??

The picture to the left is taken from "Sleeping With Rats - featuring Picker Packer Brundle", which will be posted soon, it illustrates his strange obsession with sheep on our Holiday last week in Caernarfon.
So anyway here at the lost world its all gone mysterious, it seems the Welsh Wizzard is coming this afternoon and so is Magnum to pay me my £10 sponsor money.
Also I havent seen Dolph since before my holiday which makes me think that maybe Magnum is replacing Dolph here has works manager, one thing for definate everything seems really quiet about a great many things.
For example Helmut our new German boss seems reluctant to share his plans for the Brick Manufacturers and this is making Alf and The Honeymonster think we could be sold.
You know me though, just take each day as it comes like a leaf in the wind, whatever happens, happens and if the worst occurs I am sure ill find another job at my rate of pay pretty quickly.

Since my holiday I have just about caught up with everything, just doing the last few receipts, this morning I have been annoying the honeymonster saying he owes me 6.38 for two tins of spray he nicked.
With the sad demise of the Jungle Telegraph I was thinking of doing an issue for Bradley called The Bradley Chronicle which could have all the events that occur throughout the previous month with regards to my friends, in fact I think I might start doing that if the Jungle Telegraph dies a death.
So thats it really, we are producing here again at The Lost World after having a maintenance week last week when the kiln was shut down, Alf even took me with him to show how complex the process is to relight it.
Last night I fell asleep in field with my lovely dog Miss Boley and tonight I am going to write a bit more tonight about my holiday. What a sad life eh?

Alf Angry

You just dont mess with Alf when he is in a bad mood as the poor bloke at the other end of this onslaught found out when he crossed him.

The poor guy was supposed to pick up this parcel for the Honeymonster weeks ago and the parcel just remained where it was, The Honeymonster complained again and again to ARCO and finally they picked up the watering cans there were to be returned and everything was ok.

But today the parcel came back, delivered by DHL saying "Return to Pickup Address", the guy from DHL had barely got his pen out when Alf hit him with barrage and barrage of force lightning, it seems that Alf was a bit upset about the price of his daughters car insurance and a few other things and it was a case of the straw that broke the camel.

Alf is normally pretty placid and rarely loses his temper but when he does the results can be devastating, so when Dimli told me that he was in need of all the sponsor money by Monday I thought of what possible threats I could give to Magnum, who is Flintsones Park Manager for the non payment of £10 and Jackie Khan and RDL driver for the fiver still outstanding.

I have had a word with Alf and he says that he might just give them both a few jolts if they dont pay up by the end of this week.

The Jungle Telegraph Issue No 13 seems still stalled, its popularity has been going down hill for months with many negative comments from its readers saying they couldnt understand what it was waffling on about, comments such has "Oh No not another load of aimless twaddle", have deeply upset the mags author which means that Issue 12 may be the last one.

All is not bad though, soon "Sleeping With Rats featuring Picker Packer Brundle" will be posted on here about my recent holiday, it is already available on DVD if you contact Mad Mick, he will be glad to provide you with one unless of course you live too far away like for example Malaysia.

So anyway, its my second day here at The Lost World and I went to my Holmfirth AA meeting last night and ended up chairing the meeting as well as taking the key, I also really enjoyed the brilliant share by Spiderman. I came away feeling spiritually rejuvinated.

So finally with no Jungle Telegraph Issue No13 to report it here is the top drivers for June;

Pos Name/Reg Quan
1 Stumpy 84756
2 Archers 76742
3 Buddy Holly 75290
4 Caveman 68821
5 Bruce Forcyth 58356
6 Depressed Jeff 51992
7 Piggys Friend 45164
8 Keith Chicken 41960
9 Dennis 41630
10 Dicky 41584
11 Carl 29624
12 Jason 28060
13 Trevor 19612
14 Ken & Barbie 19612
15 Harry Potter 19612
16 V56DNA 18432
17 T58AOD 18432
18 X804OBA 10848
19 CN55BCZ 10848
20 Roberts 10794

I Am Back

Just got back from a camping experience I will never forget, never seen so much rain and also while we were away my garage was broken into and the two motorcycles that Luke, Stig and Red Riding Hood use were stolen.
Luckily thanks to Pipster a Bradley hero one of them, the Falcon was returned which is lucky since I just found out this morning that they wasnt covered under my dads house insurance.
Anyway the holiday at Carnarfon was the worst we ever have had weatherwise, it rained every day bar one, the day we climbed Snowdon. Picker Packer our friend from Peterborough also accompanied us, needless to say I have just finished the DVD about the event which is the biggest one yet weighing in at 3.1GB and am halway through the accompanying story which I have called "Sleeping With Rats featuring Picker Packer (Brundle)" and I will post it on here towards the end of the week.
So anyway after a fun packed weekend the inevitable occurred and I am back sat here at my despatch desk slowly trying to catch up, though I must admit there has been hardly any vehicles in today.
In a way I think I am glad to be back, though looking back I did enjoy last week but would consider it more an experience than a holiday.

I will try and say a bit more about my recovery from drink, I am now 33 months sober and am still on Citalopram ADPs which seem to do the trick with regards to my moods, I suppose I love my own space and tend to block out others which makes me more prone to depression.
Noor mentioned in his blog about negative feelings which I seem to have been suffering just recently, I took my mum shopping on Saturday when Luke, Stig and Riding Hood went to the cinema and really lost my rag with another shopper in the ASDA car park, my mum was telling me to calm down but I was just seeing red.
Some of the people around me, yes my drinking friends from the past I feel are pests, I just cannot see why they have to spend their nights getting stoned and p*ssed then complaining afterwards that I dont visit them, why would I want to?
Then theres my brother with his so called schitzophrenia which means he spends his life in his bedroom doing nothing but drinking cans of super strength lager then complaining about his stomach being off and blaming anything but the drink.
I think Ill be glad to get to the AA tonight, I aint been for 2 weeks with being on holiday getting wet, I know now why we need to keep going surrounded by all these drunken idiots who we refer to as "normal"
Anyway thats my negative feeling shared and I do feel a bit better now!